Anxious Childhood Part 3: Hopefully, Some Ideas

I have been thinking about fear and anxiety a lot since Baby Girl was born. I think that it is the number one thing I want her to be able to deal with. More than even walking/talking, I want her to have courage to try those and other things and not be limited by fear of the unknown. That being said, what I can do as a parent is limited. In my case, I know that almost nothing anyone else did helped my anxiety....and I don't know if they could have done anything differently. In the spirit of trying to do our best, however, here is some of the advice I have come up with, gleaned from several parenting books at the library, a few peer-reviewed research papers, and personal experience.

IDEAS!!!!

*DO NOT simply say "it won't happen".
I never believed this as a child. Anyone who said that to me instantly garnered my distrust. The fundamental truth is that something bad could happen! It just..... isn't likely to, and worrying about it is not helping. See: Finding Nemo, the scene with Marlin and Dory in the whale. Seriously. That movie is about overcoming mental illness.

*Teach a child to DISARM... not DISTRACT. People tell you to distract yourself from a negative thought with humming a song or something like that. This did not work for my OCD brain- it only made things worse. OCD is a vicious loop in the brain. You get upset that a scary thought popped into your head and you get more upset when you can't get it out.

 Instead, you need to "disarm" a scary thought.
-Sing what you're afraid of to the tune of a song.
- Change the story... imagine something silly or great coming out of your fearful scenario

 ... just like Prof. Lupin did with the boggart!

- Keep asking your scary thought, "Then what?" or "So What". ie.. I will get sick! (then what?) I will die! (then what?) I..... will be dead!! (then what?) I am going to be up all night scared!! (so what?)
- Don't react to your thoughts... this is really hard to tell someone to do.
One way to explain it to a child is that your anxiety is a tomato plant, and your emotion is a watering can. It doesn't matter WHAT emotion it is, positive or negative. You can be very mad at that tomato plant for being there but the more mad you are at it, the more you feed it, and it will continue to thrive. So...stop...feeding....it! 
This idea comes from the kids book;

More on disarming thoughts: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201303/why-avoidance-coping-is-the-most-important-factor-in-anxiety
and 49 phrases to calm an anxious child... http://blogs.psychcentral.com/stress-better/2016/03/49-phrases-to-calm-an-anxious-child/

*Listening does a lot. The kind where you don't try to "fix" anything. Just listen and let them talk through it.

*Tell them to "take a break" from worrying about the things they can't control and that you will worry about it for them.

*Bribe them not to worry. Try offering a cash reward for leaving the worrying alone.

* Teach relaxation/mindfulness/yoga. Know that you can trick your brain into being calm by calming your body. Focus on your breath. More can be found here; https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht7dvoa6xcw and many websites if you search meditation/mindfulness can help

*Make sure your child doesn't have other stressors, such as bad sleep/diet/exercise.

*Be an example. Maybe even tell your child how you are scared about something, and let them see how YOU work through it.

*Be optimistic and supportive. Easier said than done, right? When your child seems to be despairing tell them you know things are hard but you also know they will figure it out. Celebrate small successes. Forgive "bad days".  Believe that they can overcome their fears and they will believe it themselves.

*You may want to try exposing the child to what they are afraid of. This is called "exposure therapy". Sometimes, the more you avoid the thing your child is afraid of, the more you reinforce it. But, on the other hand, the more you get angry and try to force them to do what they don't want, the more they will resist and distrust you.  What you want to do is expose your child to what they are afraid of enough in small doses and steps to desensitize them. It takes some creativity... what you have to do is break up the situation into teeny tiny parts! If your child is afraid of dogs, start with looking pictures of a dog. Then look at a dog behind a fence. Then approach the dog holding your child. Then pet the doggie once and walk away. You get the point. Do each step again and again frequently until your child feels confident and wants to move on to the next step. If they are consistently resisting a step, think of an even smaller step or offer a reward. Offer lots of praise and insight when a child accomplishes a step.

image from :http://blog.neurogistics.com/index.php/tag/exposure-therapy/

* Blame the brain.  To help your child realize that thoughts aren't always their fault or under their control and therefore, not something to get upset at, ask them questions like...
"Is your brain making you think about scary things?"
or  when they ask for reassurance..
"You know the answer to that question- are you having a hard time getting it out of your brain?".

It can be very helpful to refer to this "stuck" thought as coming from outside of the child him/herself. You can refer to them as coming from "The Worry Monster" or some other made up character. Ask your child if this character is "getting into their brain" and "taking over their thoughts".  This will help your child recognize the thoughts for what they are- intrusive.

so then you need to "Boss Back" the Worry Monster (aka "self talk")

most of these suggestions came from a book called "Psychological First Aid" and are more geared towards older children.


For younger children, I'm going to summarize what I learned in a parenting book.. Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Pediatrician Harvey Karp

*Cautious toddlers are shy and less likely to try new things, but they might also be ultrasensitive to textures and tastes. For example, being uncomfortable in a shirt that has a rough clothing tag on the neck.
*Cautious kids like routine and rules. Having a routine or ritual for daily tasks can help them feel grounded. Have some routines that calm them down, such as singing special songs or reading special books.
*With older toddlers make sure you keep from surprising them too much. Try reviewing the day's schedule with them in the morning using pictures for each of the day's activities and refer back to the schedule throughout the day.
*if something scary is going to happen later in the day, do not remind the child about it. If they are going to get shots, for example, don't think you have to prepare them all the day long.  If they ask, just say that "you might get shots, mommy isn't sure." Its a white lie but the book I read by Dr Karp says it is better than surprising the kid completely or making them worry all day.
*Build confidence. Try role-playing where the kid gets to have all the power. Also,  reserve some "mommy" or "daddy" and me time where they choose an activity for both of you to do and get your full attention.
*Have lots of cuddle time
*Dr Karp says that your child's cautiousness is almost always not your fault. Its not because you are overprotective or that you give-in to their hypersensitivity. He says that its mostly genetic and your child will get braver with age and experience.
*When your toddler is very young, its ok to encourage the use of an object that makes them feel safe.
*With separation anxiety issues, try little amounts at a time. While playing with your child, suddenly say you need to get something from the other room. Get it and then come back quickly. Do this again and again for longer and longer amounts of time. Your child will gradually get used to you leaving.
*For very young children, or even older ones, you may want to limit exposure to TV and movies if they are very sensitive and fearful.
*Magic works better than logic on toddlers. If you say that there aren't any spiders in their bed so they need to stop worrying about it, your child probably won't be soothed. If you instead pretend to give them a magic blanket that spiders can't touch, they might feel better.
*Night terrors; Dr Karp suggests keeping on a low light, singing a lullaby or just reassuring in a calm, low, voice until the child calms down. If night terrors are frequent you can come up with a routine. He suggests that you use it before the child goes to sleep every night, too. The routine should involve calming things like singing and rocking but also reassurances, like the magic protections as stated in the above bullet or transitional "security" objects.
 *Always be patient and resist the urge to tell them to snap out of it or cajole them out of their fear.

I hope you have learned some strategies to deal with anxiety in children (and maybe yourself, too!). If you have any ideas, please comment! I would love to add to this list.

Anxious Childhood, Part 2: 4 Things

The more I read about how to deal with anxious children, the more I am trying to let go of my own fears of having an anxious child. So, for the first installment, and I know this may seem contradictory, but

4 Things to Know about Worrying Children

1. FEAR IS NORMAL. Until it's not.  Its not when it interferes in activities that seem easy to handle for other children AND it persists for 6 months or longer (from the Parent's Guide to Psychological First Aid, 2011). This is because its typical for children to move in and out of specific fears throughout childhood. If a child is worrying more than normal, you might consider finding therapy. Therapists really do know how to help.

2. ANXIETY RUNS IN THE FAMILY. One of the risk factors for anxiety disorders is having anxious parents.  Not only are genetics involved, but children may be mimicking parent's behavior when they begin to obsessively worry.

3. NEGATIVE EMOTIONS ARE A PART OF LIFE. The more you act like they aren't, the more you try get your child to avoid them or be ashamed of them, the more likely they are to become neurotic. (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=negative-emotions-key-well-being). In other words, when you humiliate or punish a child for feeling fear, you are making things worse.

4. YOU CANNOT DO EVERYTHING FOR YOUR KIDS. Anything you read these days seems to disagree with this statement. We are responsible for everything our children think and do, right? Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. They are people too. Give them a break. Give yourself a break. I think my parents could have done differently to help me, but I really don't know what, exactly, and I don't blame them for dealing with it the way they did. As I said in my last post, I think getting older helped significantly with my OCD.

But besides getting a therapist, what can parents do to help? How should they react? Next post!

Anxious Childhood , Part 1

Many of my friends know that I suffered from anxiety as a child, and still stuffer from anxiety as an adult. In the last 10 or so years I have developed ways to cope with my anxiety that work most of the time.

 I really can't pin down exactly what has helped me- I think just growing up has helped- it adds an awareness that helps you to recognize when you're being irrational and the ability to choose one's thoughts and change one's feelings.  You realize that it's up to you, you have a responsibility to react differently to the thoughts in your head. I learned that, contrary to what my own mind was telling me, God isn't using my head to tell me something bad is about to happen. God doesn't want you to be a crazy mess. He doesn't try to confuse you and confound you.

1st Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 

So now I think very differently than I did as a child.

For example:
10 year old me sees a book cover, it has a picture of a nuclear explosion on it- I start thinking about how a bomb could drop on my house at any minute. I hate that thought... I try to get it out of my head... trying to get it out just makes it pop in there over and over and over and so I decide to make a rule that I will never touch or look at that book again. If I don't do that, then the bombs will not drop.
(This is OCD, by the way. I didn't have a name for it back then, but once I knew it was Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, that knowledge helped a lot.  I knew I wasn't alone. SIDE NOTE. I know people use the word OCD to describe their quirky obsession with keeping their drawers organized or other neat freak tendencies. This is called Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, and its completely different.)

27 year old me sees something or feels something upsetting and, if I'm not sleep deprived or stressed out, I am able to see feel it without getting upset. I don't worry about getting it out of my head. I just know that if I leave it alone and do nothing, it will eventually go away. If it has to do with avoiding something or someone- I take a deep breath, and I do what I have to do, knowing that avoiding it further only feeds into the crazy.

So how did I get better?
Experience is a great teacher... years of being terrified as a child and then a teenager eventually taught me that being afraid all the time is simply not worth it.

I  developed obsessive compulsive disorder when I was in fourth or fifth grade to deal with all the uncontrollable fearful thoughts in my head. I started telling myself that if I followed certain rules….(washing hands a certain way, counting things, only taking showers at the same time every night) then the things I was afraid of wouldn’t happen.  I hid it from my mom because, as supportive and loving as she was, I knew she would make me stop and I didn’t want to.  I even knew it was irrational and felt foolish but it was the only thing I could do to reassure myself.  Eventually my sister ratted me out and then I hid it even more, but did try to stop. I eventually had to confess one night and my mom was so understanding, she slept next to me the whole night and the next day, I finally had confirmation of what I already knew- that not following my OCD rules didn’t cause the world to end, or a nuclear bomb to fall, or anything I was scared of. That gave me the courage to stop my OCD behaviors once and for all.  

I wish that relief could have come sooner; that I wouldn't have spent so much of my childhood in a state of terror. Now that I have a child of my own, I have been searching for strategies to help anxious children. Because a child of someone with OCD has a 40% chance of inheriting an anxiety disorder.

Next post... some of the tips I've been researching online and in parenting books.

Ape-Ril to May

ANNA CAME TO VISIT US FROM THE LAND OF SPANISH FORKS. 

Here's a video of Baby Girl and her cousin playing together!

we had a great time... taking walks, playing in the hosewater, making juice, and just generally hanging out. It was great.

Baby Girl already knew how to play peekaboo.. but this week she started pulling the blanket up over her head herself! You have to go on facebook to see it though... I tried to capture it with my camera but she gets distracted and wants the camera instead.

I LIKE BIRDS.
I have kinda sorta started bird-watching. I just like knowing the names of things... Here's a video of our kitchen-window bird feeder and some unusual guests:

MY FAVORITE THING

Lots of people ask me for advice now on babies. I am not an expert, people. I only have one. But I nevertheless feel like I can put two cents in. So here's my advice for anyone who is going to be a new mom:

Keep some chocolate nearby.

Faster than a Jamaican Bobsled

APRIL ALREADY? WELL THAT's ALMOST GONE TOO.

I think this year is going by awfully fast. I just got used to saying Baby Girl was 6 months, and she'll be 7 months next week! Yikes. I can hardly remember what I ate for breakfast let alone what has happened in the last few weeks. This is like, the only photo I have.

 ok I guess I have these too:

I NEED TO TAKE MORE PICTURES

Not so I can admire them- just so I can remember my life! I wish I wish I wish I had more pictures of my teen and college years. Not that they were especially great but I feel like I'm losing my memories of when what happened and who was there. And pictures can be looked at more objectively than handwritten sentiments of the past.

I did have a journal in high school but- thank the hills- it is lost forever in a computer dump somewhere. No one needs to read that drivel. Not even my posterity.  

I had one in 6th grade that I wrote in EVERY DAY. But only because I WAS INSANE. If I didn't write in my journal, the world would end. I'm not kidding.

By the time I'm old and I have all my half-North-Korean grand children around my knee, all I'll be able to say is, "I was born, I bossed people around until I was 10, then I can't remember anything else. How did YOU all get here?"

I guess I'm just feeling nostalgic because I had a dream last night about being back in high school going to France on exchange again... only this time they made me take a test on what items at McDonalds had white meat. Dern Frenchies!

SO IN OTHER NEWS...

Baby Girl is *almost* crawling. Sometimes she gets like, 2 inches forwards. She gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth.

 

She is also teething. Her two front-bottom teeth have been working their way up for over a week now. She is getting very clingy and whiny.. so I give her frozen grapes (in a feeder) and cold celery to chew on. 

I visited Tucson for a few days last week. I babysat the Woodsian chihuahuas and took LOTs of walks by the Rillito and visited friends.

I just started physical therapy (finally) for my back. According to the PT, I have a bulging disc in my L3 or L4. He has me doing ice/heat plus tons of exercises. By exercises I mean only like, laying on my back and pulling my knees up. Nothing very exciting.

My garden is looking great except the birds keep attacking it. They  eat my near-ripe tomatoes and pulled out my peas that were just getting started. 

so sad. too sad to use correct capitalization.

 I've also been making tons of baby food and freezing it ice-cube style. 

Oh and...my sis in law is having a baby girl today! 

TIMES AND SEASONS

I can't help but feel like some people will read this and think that I live a pathetic life being at home with my baby and making her food and growing a garden and little things like that. Maybe I only imagine that because part of my own brain has been trained to think that way. What they don't know (or what I remind myself) is that these have been some of the most deeply refining and defining months of my life. 'Nuf said.  

Cerebrate Good Times

BABY GIRL IS 6 MONTHS OLD NOW

 She can swing at the park..

And giggle.. 

 And she can sit up too- but I guess I don't have a picture of her doing that.

OH YEAH AND last week SHE STARTED SLEEPING AN AVERAGE OF an HOUR AND A HALF for naps instead of 45 minutes!!! I knew this would happen some day!

Adam caught she and I doing some of the same faces....

WHERE DID I LEAVE OFF... OH YEAH... TUCSON

The week after I got back, I didn't want to do anything. You know those times when you know what you're supposed to do, you know its good for you, but for some reason it feels like torture to do it. Thankfully, that has passed. Adam and I are now in "We can DO EEEEEEET!" mode.  Adam's work load for school is a lot less this quarter. He gets every Wednesday at home to study and get things done. Yesterday he took Baby Girl and let me sleep in till 10 am. That. Was. Amazing. 

In other Adam News, he is excited to go to the AOTA (American Occupational Therapy Association) Conference in San Diego at the end of April at the same time that I am going to go visit my sister in Tucson (for the Woods Family Trio concert). Should be great!

WE ARE WAITING FOR OUR NEW NIECE

Nieces and nephews are the best thing ever. I can't wait to see Jen's new little one! 

WE MISS OUR MAMA GINA

Adam's mom stayed with us last week. We had a plethora of good times. She has all the pictures and videos; Baby Girl playing with her pacifier, sucking on her "thingamabobber", growling to herself, wearing her St. Paddy's day dress, staring out the front window.... I guess I know how she feels now (about pictures, anyways). 

Gina is one of the sweetest people I know. She and I had a lot of good talks. I'm really lucky to have such a great mother-in-law :). 

One night, Adam and I had a date night while she watched the babe. We went to Biltmore Fashion Park because we saw that they show movies on a lawn there, and I've never actually been there. Well, we got there at 8 pm and ALL THE STORES WERE CLOSED... not that we could actually afford anything sold at Biltmore Fashion park... and the movie area was super crowded. Determined to have a good time, we strolled the promenade, looking for some opportunities for shenanigans. The apple store was open so Adam and I spent some good time in there. Adam wrote a silly two-paragraph sermon about Apple and the second coming of Steve Jobs on a Macbook in the store. I added to it the text of Genesis 1:1 except I did a search/replace with Steve Jobs as diety. We sat outside the store for 15 minutes waiting to watch one of the employees read it. Unfortunately, they looked at it for 1 second and then deleted it. Sadness. We decided it was time to get dessert elsewhere... and as we passed all the people watching "Rebel Without a Cause" on the lawn, we noticed it looked like James Dean's character was hurt or something... Adam yelled "WHY ARE YOU HURT????" and I yelled "DON'T DIE, JAMES FRANCO!".  

I guess we should watch the movie sometime... 

Baby on Parade!

VALEMTIMES

I guess I haven't written since the day of luurve. Every valentine's day, we order a pizza and watch a dumb romantic comedy since the Tatou Incident of 2009. That year, Adam convinced me to watch an Audrey Tatou (Amelie) movie called "I love you, I love you not" which I THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE A CUTE ROMANTIC COMEDY BUT WAS ACTUALLY  A VERY DISTURBING THRILLER.  For his punishment, he had to watch Spice World, which I thought would be good revenge, except that it turned out to be actually a funny, campy movie with complete self-awareness of its ludicrousness. sooooo the punishment turned into an eternal one. I get to pick a romantic comedy, dumb-as-all-get-out, to watch every Valentine's day.

Somehow, this time, we ended up watching tv instead (oh wait, now I remember, Adam got up and left to go work on his computer halfway through the movie). Lame. At least there was pizza.

SWADDLE-ME-NOT...?

We said goodbye to the swaddle as I said in my last post... and tried to "wean" Baby Girl from it. The Gods of Google suggested to leave one arm out at at time or only swaddle her trunk for a while to wean her. That didn't work. From my point of view, I could tell from her writhing around that this would not be easy. From her point of view, she was probably like, "how can I sleep when I'm not encased in velcro?". 

I tried cold turkey as well...for about 8 minutes. I am just not a "Cold Turkey" type of person. I KNOW that there is a better way than just suddenly quitting  (especially with Baby Girl since she is so intense and stubborn), and I like finding out what that way is. Its the "green" personality type in me (I'm half blue half green- inquisitive and creative but avoiding as much confrontation and upheaval as possible at the same time!). 

Some people sell these "transitional" swaddles online that give the baby a sense of security but also greater range of movement- basically a scam, people. They want you to pay 50 bucks for a sleep suit that you will use for a few weeks or months of your child's life.  But they did give me an idea. I just took Baby Girl's wearable blanket and tied off the arms so her hands would be contained. To my surprise, it actually worked. She was a little unsettled, but rather quickly got over it. 

Just in time, too, because she has started rolling onto her tummy in her sleep. 

We still swaddle her once and a while if she hasn't had a good nap, and the infrequency of it seems to make her forget how much she hated being swaddled and sleep really well. 

In other baby news....

Baby Girl can now scoot herself around (sideways and backwards but not forwards) on the ground. 

She also eats solids.. but not very much because I don't want to accidentally wean her.  She started refusing to nurse in the day last week because I fed her too much, yet she woke up wanting full feeds all night. The Gods of Google told me that before 6 months, solids replace calories in a bad way instead of just adding to the diet. I'm sure that's not true for every baby but it seemed true for Baby Girl. 

We are still battling the nap monster but it seems to be getting better. and then gets worse. but then it gets better again.

She only wakes up 3 times a night to eat instead of 4 or 5 times (hallelujah). I could write a whole other page about her nighttime habits and what we've tried and not tried in order to change them. I think i'll just spare you...

Babies make us fools of us young parents. Yes they do.

MY NEXT CHILD WILL NOT BE THIS DIFFICULT

This is what I tell myself...

BABY ON PARADE

for Adam's spring break, we went to Tucson for a few days. We visited a lot of people and had a BLAST. If you are reading this and are sad because we didn't visit YOU then just know that we are sorry. We couldn't see everyone we wanted to see and still have a manageable child. 

Highlights from our trip include:

Seeing CJ and his family, hot dogs from El Guero, an awesome afternoon/night with my girlie pals and Baby Girl's future boyfriends, a day of french cuisine that started at Ghini's and ended with Ratatouille, seeing my cousin and her kids, finding a dead gecko in our juice, and visiting my awesome friends at the schools I worked at last year.  

IN CASE YOU CARE
I still have sciatica but its more annoying now than painful. Thank. Goodness.