I have been thinking about fear and anxiety a lot since Baby Girl was born. I think that it is the number one thing I want her to be able to deal with. More than even walking/talking, I want her to have courage to try those and other things and not be limited by fear of the unknown. That being said, what I can do as a parent is limited. In my case, I know that almost nothing anyone else did helped my anxiety....and I don't know if they could have done anything differently. In the spirit of trying to do our best, however, here is some of the advice I have come up with, gleaned from several parenting books at the library, a few peer-reviewed research papers, and personal experience.
IDEAS!!!!
*DO NOT simply say "it won't happen".
I never believed this as a child. Anyone who said that to me instantly garnered my distrust. The fundamental truth is that something bad
could happen!
It just..... isn't likely to, and worrying about it is not helping. See: Finding Nemo, the scene with Marlin and Dory in the whale. Seriously. That movie is about overcoming mental illness.
*Teach a child to DISARM... not DISTRACT. People tell you to distract yourself from a negative thought with humming a song or something like that. This did not work for my OCD brain- it only made things worse. OCD is a vicious loop in the brain. You get upset that a scary thought popped into your head and you get more upset when you can't get it out.
Instead, you need to "disarm" a scary thought.
-Sing what you're afraid of to the tune of a song.
- Change the story... imagine something silly or great coming out of your fearful scenario
... just like Prof. Lupin did with the boggart!
- Keep asking your scary thought, "Then what?" or "So What". ie.. I will get sick! (then what?) I will die! (then what?) I..... will be dead!! (then what?) I am going to be up all night scared!! (so what?)
-
Don't react to your thoughts... this is really hard to tell someone to do.
One way to explain it to a child is that your anxiety is a tomato plant, and your emotion is a watering can. It doesn't matter WHAT emotion it is, positive or negative. You can be very mad at that tomato plant for being there but the more mad you are at it, the more you feed it, and it will continue to thrive. So...stop...feeding....it!
This idea comes from the kids book;
More on disarming thoughts:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201303/why-avoidance-coping-is-the-most-important-factor-in-anxiety
and 49 phrases to calm an anxious child...
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/stress-better/2016/03/49-phrases-to-calm-an-anxious-child/
*Listening does a lot. The kind where you don't try to "fix" anything. Just listen and let them talk through it.
*Tell them to "take a break" from worrying about the things they can't control and that you will worry about it for them.
*Bribe them not to worry. Try offering a cash reward for leaving the worrying alone.
* Teach relaxation/mindfulness/yoga. Know that you can trick your brain into being calm by calming your body. Focus on your breath. More can be found here;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ht7dvoa6xcw and many websites if you search meditation/mindfulness can help
*Make sure your child doesn't have other stressors, such as bad sleep/diet/exercise.
*Be an example. Maybe even tell your child how you are scared about something, and let them see how YOU work through it.
*Be optimistic and supportive. Easier said than done, right? When your child seems to be despairing tell them you know things are hard but you also know they will figure it out. Celebrate small successes. Forgive "bad days". Believe that they can overcome their fears and they will believe it themselves.
*You may want to try exposing the child to what they are afraid of. This is called "exposure therapy". Sometimes, the more you avoid the thing your child is afraid of, the more you reinforce it. But, on the other hand, the more you get angry and try to force them to do what they don't want, the more they will resist and distrust you. What you want to do is expose your child to what they are afraid of enough in small doses and steps to desensitize them. It takes some creativity... what you have to do is break up the situation into teeny tiny parts! If your child is afraid of dogs, start with looking pictures of a dog. Then look at a dog behind a fence. Then approach the dog holding your child. Then pet the doggie once and walk away. You get the point. Do each step again and again frequently until your child feels confident and wants to move on to the next step. If they are consistently resisting a step, think of an even smaller step or offer a reward. Offer lots of praise and insight when a child accomplishes a step.
image from :
http://blog.neurogistics.com/index.php/tag/exposure-therapy/
* Blame the brain. To help your child realize that thoughts aren't always their fault or under their control and therefore, not something to get upset at, ask them questions like...
"Is your
brain making you think about scary things?"
or when they ask for reassurance..
"You know the answer to that question- are you having a hard time getting it out of your
brain?".
It can be very helpful to refer to this "stuck" thought as coming from outside of the child him/herself. You can refer to them as coming from "The Worry Monster" or some other made up character. Ask your child if this character is "getting into their brain" and "taking over their thoughts". This will help your child recognize the thoughts for what they are- intrusive.
so then you need to "Boss Back" the Worry Monster (aka "self talk")
most of these suggestions came from a book called "Psychological First Aid" and are more geared towards older children.
For younger children, I'm going to summarize what I learned in a parenting book.. Happiest Toddler on the Block, by Pediatrician Harvey Karp
*Cautious toddlers are shy and less likely to try new things, but they might also be ultrasensitive to textures and tastes. For example, being uncomfortable in a shirt that has a rough clothing tag on the neck.
*Cautious kids like routine and rules. Having a routine or ritual for daily tasks can help them feel grounded. Have some routines that calm them down, such as singing special songs or reading special books.
*With older toddlers make sure you keep from surprising them too much. Try reviewing the day's schedule with them in the morning using pictures for each of the day's activities and refer back to the schedule throughout the day.
*if something scary is going to happen later in the day, do not remind the child about it. If they are going to get shots, for example, don't think you have to prepare them all the day long. If they ask, just say that "you might get shots, mommy isn't sure." Its a white lie but the book I read by Dr Karp says it is better than surprising the kid completely or making them worry all day.
*Build confidence. Try role-playing where the kid gets to have all the power. Also, reserve some "mommy" or "daddy" and me time where they choose an activity for both of you to do and get your full attention.
*Have lots of cuddle time
*Dr Karp says that your child's cautiousness is almost always not your fault. Its not because you are overprotective or that you give-in to their hypersensitivity. He says that its mostly genetic and your child will get braver with age and experience.
*When your toddler is very young, its ok to encourage the use of an object that makes them feel safe.
*With separation anxiety issues, try little amounts at a time. While playing with your child, suddenly say you need to get something from the other room. Get it and then come back quickly. Do this again and again for longer and longer amounts of time. Your child will gradually get used to you leaving.
*For very young children, or even older ones, you may want to limit exposure to TV and movies if they are very sensitive and fearful.
*Magic works better than logic on toddlers. If you say that there aren't any spiders in their bed so they need to stop worrying about it, your child probably won't be soothed. If you instead pretend to give them a magic blanket that spiders can't touch, they might feel better.
*Night terrors; Dr Karp suggests keeping on a low light, singing a lullaby or just reassuring in a calm, low, voice until the child calms down. If night terrors are frequent you can come up with a routine. He suggests that you use it before the child goes to sleep every night, too. The routine should involve calming things like singing and rocking but also reassurances, like the magic protections as stated in the above bullet or transitional "security" objects.
*Always be patient and resist the urge to tell them to snap out of it or cajole them out of their fear.
I hope you have learned some strategies to deal with anxiety in children (and maybe yourself, too!). If you have any ideas, please comment! I would love to add to this list.
